I sorta knew I'll be affected, by her presence at the party. But I didnt expect it to be so negative. I was expecting to portray a good image of myself (I know this is childish, & probly Hai pai has a part to play in worsening this idea. Told you Hai pai's bad...), maybe for the more common aim of surprising her and letting her see I'm "better" than before, or maybe with the foolish hope that she'll still be attracted. Haha, I feel so stupid even typing that. But I think she didnt really even care about me, she probably (surprisingly) was more occupied with some of the other friends whom I dont even know. Maybe it doesnt really matter to her already, I just add to the number count of the people who's present.

Actually I really dont know what I want too. Do I want to let go of everything, and resume our status of normal friends?(Not that I'm dying to be associated with her, but sometimes I do wonder if its a pity. If we didnt get together, we'll may be good friends now.) Or do I want to just totally not have anything to do with her? You know I have this foolish adea (yet again), that I'll just keep trying to lie to myself that she has left me. But not that we have broken up, but she's no longer "here" anymore, if you know what it means. I dont want to spell it out, because it's sorta wrong huh? And what do I do when I see her? Just tell myself shes just the twin sister of sh. Haha to think i'll come out with such a lame idea.

Oh ya, nearly forgot this point. I saw her playing drinking games and even proudly teaching others (I didnt see her drink la,but I assume she did?). Wonder how I should react to this. Its a contradicting cocktail of anguish, disapproval, worry. Or should I actually be, more expectedly, gloating that I'm fortunate to have not stayed with her. However, whatever it is, I still wish to clarify with those reading. Shes really not a bad girl la. She really has many good points, I hope she still has.

Anyway, I realised I'm not that affected by her anymore. So guys out there who care about me, dont worry ok. Thanks for always standing by

righthere at10:59 PM