Wah i think mould's really growing on my blog already. Really lucky they didnt close it down cos I havent been blogging for so so long.

Its quite late now. And i didnt want to turn on my com just to blog. I still have programmes for tomorrow. But I know if i procrastinate again, either i would never to write the post because I'll evetually be too lazy, or I wont have that strong a Feel to write anymore. Actually both of which always are the reasons why my potential-post ideas only remained as ideas. Anw (as of always), I shall just talk briefly of my thoughts, and hopefully I'll have the discipline and feel to come back and complete the post (btw my laptop's battery's running out soon too).

And once again, I dont know where to start. Just like i told sy today (i know u'll be reading this haha), I have so much feelings and thoughts in my heart and mind, but they are too messy and require organising and conversion into words. Many of them are also contradictory and i have to struggle through a long, tedious thinking process, so confusing that I mostly end up just giving up, to find out which "theory" exactly is my belief. And also possible explanations for all my views.(Wow this line itself is confusing enough. But from the many brackets in my posts, it shouldnt be hard to guess i like to think about my thinkings. Argh sht,nvm skip the elaborations).

Yes, just a simple and straightforward start, I've lost her. Fully, completely, and forever. And this time is probably for real, that we'll cut off contact almost totally. Actually, strictly speaking, I have already lost her 3+ months ago. But in my heart I have never been able to let go. And however hard that I've tried to convince myself its over, deep in a corner of my heart lies a faint hope of reconcilation. Cos i really really love her man. I reaffirmed/rediscovered this during my recent trip to China, whenever for some reason i start to think about her so many times a day in the final few days. A lame explanation may be because I was in her ancestors' hometown towards the end. Does this mean that she has become part of my life? These recollections about our past would half-the-times bring direct emo-ness, while on the other occasions bring a short-lived laughter before the eventual sadness. Though I sometimes do wonder if i'm really missing her or the things we do (ie. paktor), I'm quite certain that I do still like her and miss her.

When i returned, I turned to xt to discuss if i should get sh back. All this while I've been hoping/assuming that she still has feelings, and probably that's the reason that the reality still hit me hard even though I had already been exposed to this possibility. Yes, I dont know if xt went to tell her, but sh decided to turn to this topic straight, and she said that its no longer possible. It was so straight and clear-cut that I have no idea, or even courage, how to authenticate if her words were real and to rebut her in a desperate attempt to salvage matters. And it really hit hard to hear it from her, to know how someone you have loved, and believed to love you as much, and so close could fully "convert" your status to a "normal friend" and let go in a matter of 2+ months or shorter. I feel really disappointed, and xin1 han2. Do i really mean that little to her? Maybe girls are wired differently, but in my theory, even if you have let go, u would probably would still flashbacks about the happy times? And that I believe should bring you some extent of Xiang3 nian4. But now shes like totally forgotten about everything. Yea, i know you can easily rebut my theory as my wishful thinking. But I'm indeed beaten and disappointed.

Now i cant help wonder sometimes if she despise me as "the-guy-who(desperately/pesteringly)-tried-to-get-back-with-me-but-got-rejected". I really still have feelings for her and I dont want to turn that love into hate. But i guess i only have myself to blame. There is this eerie sense of opposite deja vu, in the sense that at the start she was the one who's carrying hope of reconcilation but i dao-ed her, trying to make her si3 xin as i thought it would be best. And now i should be happy that i've gotten my initial aim, but instead i realise that deep-in-my-heart i probably want her back. Is this retribution? Did i got cursed by my own doings? Or its simply a joke that heaven played on me? Whatever it is, I dont know how long it'll take but I'm sure it'll not be short, I hope I'll pull through this. At the same time, I hope she really means it instead of just tyring to make me give up. I dont want her to walk in my shoes.

To sum it all up, what happened to ys and deb is not a norm, it's a miracle. And for the romantic and sweet-ending tv plots, they are fairy tales that would wont come true. At least they didnt for me this time round.

Add ons: & i wonder how i ended up worse than i started with. Before she fell in love with me, she told me i could wait for her though she didnt want me to because its unfair. But at least she gave me the chance then. Now, theres not even a chance

righthere at1:48 AM