I've finally been to a wake. ok not that I'd been looking forward to one, I dont think anyone in the right mind is eager to go for 1. Its just that my dad has quite frequently (actly not 4 now, more of last time) been saying that he has wakes to attend. Thus my curiosity has sort of been sparked off. And today was the lesson of my life. Or rather the first (sad to say, such things are inevitable).

The arrival at the hdb void deck actually made my heart pumped faster. Unsure of whether its my fear of doing something wrong, or perhaps stressed by the solemn setting, I thought i was shivering a little as i lit the joss stick. It was a rather old photo, inferred from the big spectacles frames and lens. Maybe the blinding of Uncle is the reason for the lack of recent photos. Initially, I have planned to briefly "tell" uncle how I actually got to know his son. But seeing that my seniors all made there praying so brief, I followed suit. The coffin was closed, but my thoughts cant help running when i past it.

Then was the donation of the "white gold" (bai jin) which actually eased my suspicions of whether snr's gf was a good one. She was actually there. Not sure for how long already, but she was helping out. That really left me nothing to say. I thought most wouldnt even think about that, considering that death is a big taboo and deemed by most as inauspicious. I handed $10 more than what I initially planned as I thought snr's family is not that well to do. And this is probably the only time i can help them for I foresee he wont ask for help (financially, should he needs) from his close friends, much less me. Moreover, he's been a really good senior. One of my closest. I would never forget the time he stood up for me when another senior was on his usual "bullying" spree.

We then sat down. Drinks were served, and the candies and peanuts on the table were consumed. Snr offered food, and we accepted half-heartedly as we were quite paiseh for the trouble. Surprisely there werent curry chicken, which i thought was a must at wakes. Soon, the area become almost fully packed. I saw the responsible side of snr. No wonder Jen said he changed a lot from the playful guy in secondary school. He was quite serious at first, with little smiles and eyes perhaps red from the shou ye or you-know-what-else reason. He was constantly paying attention for new guests, whose arrival would see him standing up at once and attending to them at the altar. So that was him, standing up, sitting down for a minute, and standing up again. I felt tired for him that I wanted to tell him to take a rest, but I know he had to do that. As the people increased, I wondered if that was good. Would uncle be happy seeing that so many people had came to see him for the last time? But this idea was later doubted confusingly. The noise level increased. The guests were all indulged in chats, probably to catch up how one another are. Our table was no exception either, as we broke into discussions about the old times in school and gym. But several questions surfaced in my mind. Shouldnt we be here for one purpose? But at that moment, I realised that the "person-of-concern" seemed to have taken the back seat and sort of "forgotten". Is this the right thing to do? Only remembering that person and mourn the pity of the loss of him. And after that, all this thrown aside? That should be a family/friend gathering rather than a wake isnt it? Worse still, I actually saw many smiling faces, while some even made their laughter heard. The only "right" thing at that instant would perhaps be the absense of mahjong tables, a common sight at wakes. That was why I was quite restrained with my smiles and actually quite reluctant to talk much especially during the first few moments. But the solemn mood probably faded, soon, into the background, with the soft scripture chanting played by a device like a tape player.

But looking at it from another point of view, this is perhaps a good thing, whether or not intended. The sad ambience has, and should, come to an end. The family should pick themselves up and let go of the what's painful. And the liveliness brought by the guests can actually aid this as the thought is distracted from the minds of the family members, at least for that instant. At that time, I suddenly thought of a lesson from dramas. Cliche as it may sound, it is certainly right. We should let go of what's gone, and focus on the ones present.

Hmmm death never seems to fail to trigger my so many thoughts, though many are sad and pessimistic ones. That's probably another reason I shouldnt be a doctor. Shruggs.....

Whatever it is, i hope snr and his family can be strong and live this through soon. And once again, I've reminded of the unpredictability of life. I shall cherish everyday and everyone left around me. Or at least learn to....

righthere at1:33 AM