I sorta knew I'll be affected, by her presence at the party. But I didnt expect it to be so negative. I was expecting to portray a good image of myself (I know this is childish, & probly Hai pai has a part to play in worsening this idea. Told you Hai pai's bad...), maybe for the more common aim of surprising her and letting her see I'm "better" than before, or maybe with the foolish hope that she'll still be attracted. Haha, I feel so stupid even typing that. But I think she didnt really even care about me, she probably (surprisingly) was more occupied with some of the other friends whom I dont even know. Maybe it doesnt really matter to her already, I just add to the number count of the people who's present.
Actually I really dont know what I want too. Do I want to let go of everything, and resume our status of normal friends?(Not that I'm dying to be associated with her, but sometimes I do wonder if its a pity. If we didnt get together, we'll may be good friends now.) Or do I want to just totally not have anything to do with her? You know I have this foolish adea (yet again), that I'll just keep trying to lie to myself that she has left me. But not that we have broken up, but she's no longer "here" anymore, if you know what it means. I dont want to spell it out, because it's sorta wrong huh? And what do I do when I see her? Just tell myself shes just the twin sister of sh. Haha to think i'll come out with such a lame idea.
Oh ya, nearly forgot this point. I saw her playing drinking games and even proudly teaching others (I didnt see her drink la,but I assume she did?). Wonder how I should react to this. Its a contradicting cocktail of anguish, disapproval, worry. Or should I actually be, more expectedly, gloating that I'm fortunate to have not stayed with her. However, whatever it is, I still wish to clarify with those reading. Shes really not a bad girl la. She really has many good points, I hope she still has.
Anyway, I realised I'm not that affected by her anymore. So guys out there who care about me, dont worry ok. Thanks for always standing by
righthere at10:59 PM
Oh a point to add to the last post. Its super random and a bit lame. There was a part in my dream, about at some concert/party thingy. Our class people were like surrounding the performing stars, for reasons i dont know. And zeng zhi wei (with another star whom I forgot) was singing Jeff Chang's Guo huo (I know this scene's weird), then we were like singing along. Then dont know why they sang till last line,they paused deliberately as if for me. And yea I did sang out "ru2 guo3 ni3 xiang3 fei2, shang1 tong4 wo3 bei1". It was super emo la, but I thought it was totally apt and accurately reflected my feelings. Haha,I've told you its random.
Anyway I dreamt of her again. This time its getting back with her again. And this time I got to ask her hows shes like for the past few months (1 of the things I'm most interested/curious) about. And I told her how I survived through the half a year. But I totally cnt remembered what she said.
I'm tired. In both sense, really slpy, and tired of having to cling onto this. Ironically, its me who want to hold on originally. Ok not that I want to let go immediately now, I still she3 bu4 de2 to let go of these memories which are the only things I have now (wah this can be a classic line in some tv script hahha!). Its all in a lump of ironic and contradicting mess
righthere at1:31 AM
wow,time flies. It's been 6 mths. N my camp friend once told me that after it ended, the first few weeks you'll still think n dream about it. But as the time passes, you'll suddenly realise "aa,why i suddenly din tink of her already". N most of my close fwens said they took about 7-8 months to forgot. So that's probably why I still havent forgotten. Does the 1st r/s take especially long to be let go of? Just a random point, if say the r/s after the 1st would take shorter time to be forgotten, isnt that a sad thing? Because to me, it just means you take these r/s less seriously than the 1st, or you are numb or more skeptical of them.
Btw anyone who's reading this, I think you shouldnt read on. Because I tried to narrate my dream, and ended up realising there's so many parts which I cant remember! So you'll probably be very confused haha.
I didnt have a good sleep yesterday. I woke up at 3+ I think, then subsequently after intervals of 1+hrs. Not sure is because of the dreams,of just I had too much pee haha. But the first dream is undoubtedly most significant, and probably it started it all by triggering and messing up my thoughts. It was another dream that left a deep impression of me, for I remember the details quite vividly. But of course, some of it still dont make sense, although most of it made it feel so real. The 1st setting i can recall would be in a room with i think 3 of our class girls. I cant remember the others, but 1 of them was her. I was sitting doing my own stuff in a corner,and they were having their own talk. I cant really recall, but perhaps I did something like dao them when they talk to me. That led to her saying something like "must be because he couldnt get me so hes doing that..." (ok this is totally not possible,because i know she wont say that. And I realised it doesnt seem to make sense with the later part of teh story...). I got super pissed and hurt, I think, and so i just went out of the room. Fast forward (cos i cant remember what happened in between heh), I decided I couldnt take it at that moment, and I wanted to get out for a breather. So I went out of the flat (Dont ask me, I also have no idea whether this is a chalet or someone's house). At this time, a few people came out and sensed that something was wrong with me. C seemed to guessed what was happening, and he grabbed hold of me, wanting to help me confront her. I struggled because I didnt want a confrontation, I didnt want to face her, I didnt want to let her know my feelings though they might be obvious. But C was insistent, probably he knew what I was going through, and he tried to drag me in. I think the commotion caused her and the rest to come out to see what was happening. At this point, I broke down and asked C to release me. And I blurted out everything, "please let me go, i dont want her to know I still have feelings, and i dont want her to see this...". They heard everything, and I think it caught them by surprise. The end of dream. Ok thats all I could remember, I feel so stupid writing all this haha. But i didnt know why despite waking up feeling quite moody (probably influenced by the dream), I felt a slight hapiness after a while. Probably in the dream I finally said what I always wanted to but dare not say in real life.
But hai, I think the most important conclusion is that I still havent and cant let go. A random thought as i went back to sleep, "hmm maybe its because today's out 'month-sery'". What an irony, I remembered this time! And i usually forgot when i was with her. Doing the counting, it'll be 2 years and 1 month together. That'll add up to about..760 days? thats IF we are still tgt. And it means nothing now..
righthere at2:27 PM
Wah i think mould's really growing on my blog already. Really lucky they didnt close it down cos I havent been blogging for so so long.
Its quite late now. And i didnt want to turn on my com just to blog. I still have programmes for tomorrow. But I know if i procrastinate again, either i would never to write the post because I'll evetually be too lazy, or I wont have that strong a Feel to write anymore. Actually both of which always are the reasons why my potential-post ideas only remained as ideas. Anw (as of always), I shall just talk briefly of my thoughts, and hopefully I'll have the discipline and feel to come back and complete the post (btw my laptop's battery's running out soon too).
And once again, I dont know where to start. Just like i told sy today (i know u'll be reading this haha), I have so much feelings and thoughts in my heart and mind, but they are too messy and require organising and conversion into words. Many of them are also contradictory and i have to struggle through a long, tedious thinking process, so confusing that I mostly end up just giving up, to find out which "theory" exactly is my belief. And also possible explanations for all my views.(Wow this line itself is confusing enough. But from the many brackets in my posts, it shouldnt be hard to guess i like to think about my thinkings. Argh sht,nvm skip the elaborations).
Yes, just a simple and straightforward start, I've lost her. Fully, completely, and forever. And this time is probably for real, that we'll cut off contact almost totally. Actually, strictly speaking, I have already lost her 3+ months ago. But in my heart I have never been able to let go. And however hard that I've tried to convince myself its over, deep in a corner of my heart lies a faint hope of reconcilation. Cos i really really love her man. I reaffirmed/rediscovered this during my recent trip to China, whenever for some reason i start to think about her so many times a day in the final few days. A lame explanation may be because I was in her ancestors' hometown towards the end. Does this mean that she has become part of my life? These recollections about our past would half-the-times bring direct emo-ness, while on the other occasions bring a short-lived laughter before the eventual sadness. Though I sometimes do wonder if i'm really missing her or the things we do (ie. paktor), I'm quite certain that I do still like her and miss her.
When i returned, I turned to xt to discuss if i should get sh back. All this while I've been hoping/assuming that she still has feelings, and probably that's the reason that the reality still hit me hard even though I had already been exposed to this possibility. Yes, I dont know if xt went to tell her, but sh decided to turn to this topic straight, and she said that its no longer possible. It was so straight and clear-cut that I have no idea, or even courage, how to authenticate if her words were real and to rebut her in a desperate attempt to salvage matters. And it really hit hard to hear it from her, to know how someone you have loved, and believed to love you as much, and so close could fully "convert" your status to a "normal friend" and let go in a matter of 2+ months or shorter. I feel really disappointed, and xin1 han2. Do i really mean that little to her? Maybe girls are wired differently, but in my theory, even if you have let go, u would probably would still flashbacks about the happy times? And that I believe should bring you some extent of Xiang3 nian4. But now shes like totally forgotten about everything. Yea, i know you can easily rebut my theory as my wishful thinking. But I'm indeed beaten and disappointed.
Now i cant help wonder sometimes if she despise me as "the-guy-who(desperately/pesteringly)-tried-to-get-back-with-me-but-got-rejected". I really still have feelings for her and I dont want to turn that love into hate. But i guess i only have myself to blame. There is this eerie sense of opposite deja vu, in the sense that at the start she was the one who's carrying hope of reconcilation but i dao-ed her, trying to make her si3 xin as i thought it would be best. And now i should be happy that i've gotten my initial aim, but instead i realise that deep-in-my-heart i probably want her back. Is this retribution? Did i got cursed by my own doings? Or its simply a joke that heaven played on me? Whatever it is, I dont know how long it'll take but I'm sure it'll not be short, I hope I'll pull through this. At the same time, I hope she really means it instead of just tyring to make me give up. I dont want her to walk in my shoes.
To sum it all up, what happened to ys and deb is not a norm, it's a miracle. And for the romantic and sweet-ending tv plots, they are fairy tales that would wont come true. At least they didnt for me this time round.
Add ons: & i wonder how i ended up worse than i started with. Before she fell in love with me, she told me i could wait for her though she didnt want me to because its unfair. But at least she gave me the chance then. Now, theres not even a chance
righthere at1:48 AM
Have i say this before? nvm i'll jus say it agn if i have alrd done so. i shld have turned on my com and blogged whenever i feel lik doing so. cos wait till lik when i on my com (i felt lik blogging.but nw its lik 3hrs fr den n aft a nap),de feeling is no longer intense, tts provided i still rmb wad i 1ed 2 write la.
Anw i rmb most of wad i 1ed 2 write 2day, i guess. I had a wkend duty ytd. My 1st wkend complex duty. But jus 1 of it made me c thru a lot of stuff...tts if i'm nt overly sensitive la. No 1, she's continuing to sms q few, much fewer dan last time during sch (nvm de fact tt dose sms may or may nt b 2 me). It reali hurts, tho i noe shes reali bz at times. but sometimes i'm reali puzzled, cos she can hav lik long brks or free time n still no sms came. 2 b fair, a possible explanation is tt she dinno deres a sms or she 4gt 2 reply, which is acceptable...cos tt happens 2 me q often 2:x But yea, its esp disappointing when de "gd nite" msges dun get replies. She used 2 revert with even sweeter stuff, if nt at least jus affirmation of wad i said or asked. But nw, its nearly totally nth. N if deres a sms b4 she slp or early nxt morn, its jus a "i'm gg 2 slp nw" or "gd morn" style msg.
No 2, i had q a boring duty day/nite. wif so much lag time when i jus sit n stone. I clearly rmb me asking de guys 2 call me but no call came leh. I thot probably dey were 2 engrossed wiffootball or dey had a fun time tt dey din rmb. But i did tell dem a few times. n in de end, i hav 2 er....yin zhe tou pi 2 call n ask how dey were doing. Perhaps cos i reali din mind 2 b dere ba... ok shant continue. Its nt tt graceful a thing 2 tok abt rite?
But hmm, perhaps its nt so bad aft all. Mayb its jus a way..(mayb by fate) to let me feel better, to feel tt i shld choose de overseas route more....
righthere at2:39 PM
argh...i actually forgot what i wanted to write...again. (if u have noticed, i'm typing in proper full english. one of the few times, if not the first.) yea, i often have quite some thoughts that i thought could blog (wide variety,emo stuff, "think-too-much-stuff", just some random comments, and maybe happy stuff once in a while?) and when i come online, i'll be too lazy to even log in to blogger, or i'd have forgotten much of the fine details (yea, my thoughts zoom right down to the exact words of what to write...).
Anyway i roughly remember that its something about my birthday. Yea its because that its about this "important" topic, that i'm typing in better language. Haha. so, it should be, from what i can remember, something like: "Are 20th birthdays very different? Hmm maybe for me only..." By the way, i have gotten my first present already!!4 days in advance!!!ok, second, if you count the treat by my colleagues (Though its really a small treat of less than $6 by 6 people! I didnt know they'll be treating. But nevertheless i still was full then, so couldnt eat much....nothing much more than an ice yuan yang and toast with peanut butter and condensed milk.) Oh ya, and of course, credits to the dinner treat by my uncle and aunty who were the very ones that gave me the first official present. So back to the present. Yea, i dont know if i should feel happy about getting it, or getting more (if there are) over the next few days. But i guess i would feel more excited over the presents, as the days past? I'll try to open them on the actual day itself. But that's not the main point of concern. The important consideration is whether i should just enjoy myself this coming wednesday (i'll be getting an off!), or i should just get myself
occupied in stuff in an attempt to forget about the 'occasion'. Though it'll be quite futile - my family would sure proceed with the annual must-have cake-cutting ceremony. But my rationale is that i dont want to turn 20 (ok dont laugh, i know it sounds stupid), or more of i dont want to grow old just like every other year since my 16th birthday. but this time is doubly scarier because i'm hitting a different digit in the tens position (ok thats an awkward expression). Initially its just felt like i dont want to get older, as usual. But an unusual thought just struck me today. 20, means just 10 more years and i'll hit the "ideal marriage age"? to think i was just discussing this marriage age thing with my friend today. Yea, 10 years, that seems really short now. How can i establish a stable and reasonably successful career in a decade, which a part already would be taken up by studies? Ok i think it'll eventually boil down to my same topic of "the dilemma in life" which i always find it occuring on myself, and which i often thought i still havn't blogged about it. Well, i guess i just have to....think less. Shruggs...
Why do i feel so much like sy today? as in the style of blogging. ok, other than the language la, his's much superior. Haha.
Ok, i hope i'll blog more, get the chance to blog more. but that's provided i get to use the computer more...nowadays. in the meantime, i shall just relax and enjoy my last episode of hotshot, the idol drama which i think have replaced ""mr fighting" or "west-side story" as my number 1...
righthere at12:25 AM
I've finally been to a wake. ok not that I'd been looking forward to one, I dont think anyone in the right mind is eager to go for 1. Its just that my dad has quite frequently (actly not 4 now, more of last time) been saying that he has wakes to attend. Thus my curiosity has sort of been sparked off. And today was the lesson of my life. Or rather the first (sad to say, such things are inevitable).
The arrival at the hdb void deck actually made my heart pumped faster. Unsure of whether its my fear of doing something wrong, or perhaps stressed by the solemn setting, I thought i was shivering a little as i lit the joss stick. It was a rather old photo, inferred from the big spectacles frames and lens. Maybe the blinding of Uncle is the reason for the lack of recent photos. Initially, I have planned to briefly "tell" uncle how I actually got to know his son. But seeing that my seniors all made there praying so brief, I followed suit. The coffin was closed, but my thoughts cant help running when i past it.
Then was the donation of the "white gold" (bai jin) which actually eased my suspicions of whether snr's gf was a good one. She was actually there. Not sure for how long already, but she was helping out. That really left me nothing to say. I thought most wouldnt even think about that, considering that death is a big taboo and deemed by most as inauspicious. I handed $10 more than what I initially planned as I thought snr's family is not that well to do. And this is probably the only time i can help them for I foresee he wont ask for help (financially, should he needs) from his close friends, much less me. Moreover, he's been a really good senior. One of my closest. I would never forget the time he stood up for me when another senior was on his usual "bullying" spree.
We then sat down. Drinks were served, and the candies and peanuts on the table were consumed. Snr offered food, and we accepted half-heartedly as we were quite paiseh for the trouble. Surprisely there werent curry chicken, which i thought was a must at wakes. Soon, the area become almost fully packed. I saw the responsible side of snr. No wonder Jen said he changed a lot from the playful guy in secondary school. He was quite serious at first, with little smiles and eyes perhaps red from the shou ye or you-know-what-else reason. He was constantly paying attention for new guests, whose arrival would see him standing up at once and attending to them at the altar. So that was him, standing up, sitting down for a minute, and standing up again. I felt tired for him that I wanted to tell him to take a rest, but I know he had to do that. As the people increased, I wondered if that was good. Would uncle be happy seeing that so many people had came to see him for the last time? But this idea was later doubted confusingly. The noise level increased. The guests were all indulged in chats, probably to catch up how one another are. Our table was no exception either, as we broke into discussions about the old times in school and gym. But several questions surfaced in my mind. Shouldnt we be here for one purpose? But at that moment, I realised that the "person-of-concern" seemed to have taken the back seat and sort of "forgotten". Is this the right thing to do? Only remembering that person and mourn the pity of the loss of him. And after that, all this thrown aside? That should be a family/friend gathering rather than a wake isnt it? Worse still, I actually saw many smiling faces, while some even made their laughter heard. The only "right" thing at that instant would perhaps be the absense of mahjong tables, a common sight at wakes. That was why I was quite restrained with my smiles and actually quite reluctant to talk much especially during the first few moments. But the solemn mood probably faded, soon, into the background, with the soft scripture chanting played by a device like a tape player.
But looking at it from another point of view, this is perhaps a good thing, whether or not intended. The sad ambience has, and should, come to an end. The family should pick themselves up and let go of the what's painful. And the liveliness brought by the guests can actually aid this as the thought is distracted from the minds of the family members, at least for that instant. At that time, I suddenly thought of a lesson from dramas. Cliche as it may sound, it is certainly right. We should let go of what's gone, and focus on the ones present.
Hmmm death never seems to fail to trigger my so many thoughts, though many are sad and pessimistic ones. That's probably another reason I shouldnt be a doctor. Shruggs.....
Whatever it is, i hope snr and his family can be strong and live this through soon. And once again, I've reminded of the unpredictability of life. I shall cherish everyday and everyone left around me. Or at least learn to....
righthere at1:33 AM