Wah i think mould's really growing on my blog already. Really lucky they didnt close it down cos I havent been blogging for so so long.
Its quite late now. And i didnt want to turn on my com just to blog. I still have programmes for tomorrow. But I know if i procrastinate again, either i would never to write the post because I'll evetually be too lazy, or I wont have that strong a Feel to write anymore. Actually both of which always are the reasons why my potential-post ideas only remained as ideas. Anw (as of always), I shall just talk briefly of my thoughts, and hopefully I'll have the discipline and feel to come back and complete the post (btw my laptop's battery's running out soon too).
And once again, I dont know where to start. Just like i told sy today (i know u'll be reading this haha), I have so much feelings and thoughts in my heart and mind, but they are too messy and require organising and conversion into words. Many of them are also contradictory and i have to struggle through a long, tedious thinking process, so confusing that I mostly end up just giving up, to find out which "theory" exactly is my belief. And also possible explanations for all my views.(Wow this line itself is confusing enough. But from the many brackets in my posts, it shouldnt be hard to guess i like to think about my thinkings. Argh sht,nvm skip the elaborations).
Yes, just a simple and straightforward start, I've lost her. Fully, completely, and forever. And this time is probably for real, that we'll cut off contact almost totally. Actually, strictly speaking, I have already lost her 3+ months ago. But in my heart I have never been able to let go. And however hard that I've tried to convince myself its over, deep in a corner of my heart lies a faint hope of reconcilation. Cos i really really love her man. I reaffirmed/rediscovered this during my recent trip to China, whenever for some reason i start to think about her so many times a day in the final few days. A lame explanation may be because I was in her ancestors' hometown towards the end. Does this mean that she has become part of my life? These recollections about our past would half-the-times bring direct emo-ness, while on the other occasions bring a short-lived laughter before the eventual sadness. Though I sometimes do wonder if i'm really missing her or the things we do (ie. paktor), I'm quite certain that I do still like her and miss her.
When i returned, I turned to xt to discuss if i should get sh back. All this while I've been hoping/assuming that she still has feelings, and probably that's the reason that the reality still hit me hard even though I had already been exposed to this possibility. Yes, I dont know if xt went to tell her, but sh decided to turn to this topic straight, and she said that its no longer possible. It was so straight and clear-cut that I have no idea, or even courage, how to authenticate if her words were real and to rebut her in a desperate attempt to salvage matters. And it really hit hard to hear it from her, to know how someone you have loved, and believed to love you as much, and so close could fully "convert" your status to a "normal friend" and let go in a matter of 2+ months or shorter. I feel really disappointed, and xin1 han2. Do i really mean that little to her? Maybe girls are wired differently, but in my theory, even if you have let go, u would probably would still flashbacks about the happy times? And that I believe should bring you some extent of Xiang3 nian4. But now shes like totally forgotten about everything. Yea, i know you can easily rebut my theory as my wishful thinking. But I'm indeed beaten and disappointed.
Now i cant help wonder sometimes if she despise me as "the-guy-who(desperately/pesteringly)-tried-to-get-back-with-me-but-got-rejected". I really still have feelings for her and I dont want to turn that love into hate. But i guess i only have myself to blame. There is this eerie sense of opposite deja vu, in the sense that at the start she was the one who's carrying hope of reconcilation but i dao-ed her, trying to make her si3 xin as i thought it would be best. And now i should be happy that i've gotten my initial aim, but instead i realise that deep-in-my-heart i probably want her back. Is this retribution? Did i got cursed by my own doings? Or its simply a joke that heaven played on me? Whatever it is, I dont know how long it'll take but I'm sure it'll not be short, I hope I'll pull through this. At the same time, I hope she really means it instead of just tyring to make me give up. I dont want her to walk in my shoes.
To sum it all up, what happened to ys and deb is not a norm, it's a miracle. And for the romantic and sweet-ending tv plots, they are fairy tales that would wont come true. At least they didnt for me this time round.
Add ons: & i wonder how i ended up worse than i started with. Before she fell in love with me, she told me i could wait for her though she didnt want me to because its unfair. But at least she gave me the chance then. Now, theres not even a chance
righthere at1:48 AM
Have i say this before? nvm i'll jus say it agn if i have alrd done so. i shld have turned on my com and blogged whenever i feel lik doing so. cos wait till lik when i on my com (i felt lik blogging.but nw its lik 3hrs fr den n aft a nap),de feeling is no longer intense, tts provided i still rmb wad i 1ed 2 write la.
Anw i rmb most of wad i 1ed 2 write 2day, i guess. I had a wkend duty ytd. My 1st wkend complex duty. But jus 1 of it made me c thru a lot of stuff...tts if i'm nt overly sensitive la. No 1, she's continuing to sms q few, much fewer dan last time during sch (nvm de fact tt dose sms may or may nt b 2 me). It reali hurts, tho i noe shes reali bz at times. but sometimes i'm reali puzzled, cos she can hav lik long brks or free time n still no sms came. 2 b fair, a possible explanation is tt she dinno deres a sms or she 4gt 2 reply, which is acceptable...cos tt happens 2 me q often 2:x But yea, its esp disappointing when de "gd nite" msges dun get replies. She used 2 revert with even sweeter stuff, if nt at least jus affirmation of wad i said or asked. But nw, its nearly totally nth. N if deres a sms b4 she slp or early nxt morn, its jus a "i'm gg 2 slp nw" or "gd morn" style msg.
No 2, i had q a boring duty day/nite. wif so much lag time when i jus sit n stone. I clearly rmb me asking de guys 2 call me but no call came leh. I thot probably dey were 2 engrossed wiffootball or dey had a fun time tt dey din rmb. But i did tell dem a few times. n in de end, i hav 2 er....yin zhe tou pi 2 call n ask how dey were doing. Perhaps cos i reali din mind 2 b dere ba... ok shant continue. Its nt tt graceful a thing 2 tok abt rite?
But hmm, perhaps its nt so bad aft all. Mayb its jus a way..(mayb by fate) to let me feel better, to feel tt i shld choose de overseas route more....
righthere at2:39 PM
argh...i actually forgot what i wanted to write...again. (if u have noticed, i'm typing in proper full english. one of the few times, if not the first.) yea, i often have quite some thoughts that i thought could blog (wide variety,emo stuff, "think-too-much-stuff", just some random comments, and maybe happy stuff once in a while?) and when i come online, i'll be too lazy to even log in to blogger, or i'd have forgotten much of the fine details (yea, my thoughts zoom right down to the exact words of what to write...).
Anyway i roughly remember that its something about my birthday. Yea its because that its about this "important" topic, that i'm typing in better language. Haha. so, it should be, from what i can remember, something like: "Are 20th birthdays very different? Hmm maybe for me only..." By the way, i have gotten my first present already!!4 days in advance!!!ok, second, if you count the treat by my colleagues (Though its really a small treat of less than $6 by 6 people! I didnt know they'll be treating. But nevertheless i still was full then, so couldnt eat much....nothing much more than an ice yuan yang and toast with peanut butter and condensed milk.) Oh ya, and of course, credits to the dinner treat by my uncle and aunty who were the very ones that gave me the first official present. So back to the present. Yea, i dont know if i should feel happy about getting it, or getting more (if there are) over the next few days. But i guess i would feel more excited over the presents, as the days past? I'll try to open them on the actual day itself. But that's not the main point of concern. The important consideration is whether i should just enjoy myself this coming wednesday (i'll be getting an off!), or i should just get myself
occupied in stuff in an attempt to forget about the 'occasion'. Though it'll be quite futile - my family would sure proceed with the annual must-have cake-cutting ceremony. But my rationale is that i dont want to turn 20 (ok dont laugh, i know it sounds stupid), or more of i dont want to grow old just like every other year since my 16th birthday. but this time is doubly scarier because i'm hitting a different digit in the tens position (ok thats an awkward expression). Initially its just felt like i dont want to get older, as usual. But an unusual thought just struck me today. 20, means just 10 more years and i'll hit the "ideal marriage age"? to think i was just discussing this marriage age thing with my friend today. Yea, 10 years, that seems really short now. How can i establish a stable and reasonably successful career in a decade, which a part already would be taken up by studies? Ok i think it'll eventually boil down to my same topic of "the dilemma in life" which i always find it occuring on myself, and which i often thought i still havn't blogged about it. Well, i guess i just have to....think less. Shruggs...
Why do i feel so much like sy today? as in the style of blogging. ok, other than the language la, his's much superior. Haha.
Ok, i hope i'll blog more, get the chance to blog more. but that's provided i get to use the computer more...nowadays. in the meantime, i shall just relax and enjoy my last episode of hotshot, the idol drama which i think have replaced ""mr fighting" or "west-side story" as my number 1...
righthere at12:25 AM
I've finally been to a wake. ok not that I'd been looking forward to one, I dont think anyone in the right mind is eager to go for 1. Its just that my dad has quite frequently (actly not 4 now, more of last time) been saying that he has wakes to attend. Thus my curiosity has sort of been sparked off. And today was the lesson of my life. Or rather the first (sad to say, such things are inevitable).
The arrival at the hdb void deck actually made my heart pumped faster. Unsure of whether its my fear of doing something wrong, or perhaps stressed by the solemn setting, I thought i was shivering a little as i lit the joss stick. It was a rather old photo, inferred from the big spectacles frames and lens. Maybe the blinding of Uncle is the reason for the lack of recent photos. Initially, I have planned to briefly "tell" uncle how I actually got to know his son. But seeing that my seniors all made there praying so brief, I followed suit. The coffin was closed, but my thoughts cant help running when i past it.
Then was the donation of the "white gold" (bai jin) which actually eased my suspicions of whether snr's gf was a good one. She was actually there. Not sure for how long already, but she was helping out. That really left me nothing to say. I thought most wouldnt even think about that, considering that death is a big taboo and deemed by most as inauspicious. I handed $10 more than what I initially planned as I thought snr's family is not that well to do. And this is probably the only time i can help them for I foresee he wont ask for help (financially, should he needs) from his close friends, much less me. Moreover, he's been a really good senior. One of my closest. I would never forget the time he stood up for me when another senior was on his usual "bullying" spree.
We then sat down. Drinks were served, and the candies and peanuts on the table were consumed. Snr offered food, and we accepted half-heartedly as we were quite paiseh for the trouble. Surprisely there werent curry chicken, which i thought was a must at wakes. Soon, the area become almost fully packed. I saw the responsible side of snr. No wonder Jen said he changed a lot from the playful guy in secondary school. He was quite serious at first, with little smiles and eyes perhaps red from the shou ye or you-know-what-else reason. He was constantly paying attention for new guests, whose arrival would see him standing up at once and attending to them at the altar. So that was him, standing up, sitting down for a minute, and standing up again. I felt tired for him that I wanted to tell him to take a rest, but I know he had to do that. As the people increased, I wondered if that was good. Would uncle be happy seeing that so many people had came to see him for the last time? But this idea was later doubted confusingly. The noise level increased. The guests were all indulged in chats, probably to catch up how one another are. Our table was no exception either, as we broke into discussions about the old times in school and gym. But several questions surfaced in my mind. Shouldnt we be here for one purpose? But at that moment, I realised that the "person-of-concern" seemed to have taken the back seat and sort of "forgotten". Is this the right thing to do? Only remembering that person and mourn the pity of the loss of him. And after that, all this thrown aside? That should be a family/friend gathering rather than a wake isnt it? Worse still, I actually saw many smiling faces, while some even made their laughter heard. The only "right" thing at that instant would perhaps be the absense of mahjong tables, a common sight at wakes. That was why I was quite restrained with my smiles and actually quite reluctant to talk much especially during the first few moments. But the solemn mood probably faded, soon, into the background, with the soft scripture chanting played by a device like a tape player.
But looking at it from another point of view, this is perhaps a good thing, whether or not intended. The sad ambience has, and should, come to an end. The family should pick themselves up and let go of the what's painful. And the liveliness brought by the guests can actually aid this as the thought is distracted from the minds of the family members, at least for that instant. At that time, I suddenly thought of a lesson from dramas. Cliche as it may sound, it is certainly right. We should let go of what's gone, and focus on the ones present.
Hmmm death never seems to fail to trigger my so many thoughts, though many are sad and pessimistic ones. That's probably another reason I shouldnt be a doctor. Shruggs.....
Whatever it is, i hope snr and his family can be strong and live this through soon. And once again, I've reminded of the unpredictability of life. I shall cherish everyday and everyone left around me. Or at least learn to....
righthere at1:33 AM
So the last chalet ended. Ok i change my words. Probably the last, tho i certainly hope its not. Actly just nw when i was talking to my aunty, i then realised ea work as i spoke abt de girls gg 2 uni. They'll start a new life. And likely, we'll all drift apart, as they get to noe a new circle of fwens, mayb even closer, or the other half. Not forgetting they'll be busier with projects,assignment n stuff. For now, i just hope we still can maintain the wkly outings for those closer to me. You gals may not want sch to start, i tink we dont want tt either....
Actually i felt the urge to blog this afternoon, cos i wasnt really happy (far fr what i hoped n expected) n din really enjoy the chalet. Its sad, a pity. Shruggs. I have a lot alot of thoughts. By myself, and also those caused by the drama tang xin feng bao i watched in the afternn. Ok, to sum up what happened, i just became super cold n attitude to her (ok i was emo ok?if u 1 me 2 admit). But its cos i was actually a bit saddened by the reactions i received. Ok, i noe they may not be on purpose at meant tha way. But they just hit me anw, n i cant help it. I have never held her hand for more than a week. and its just very hurting when the hand is pulled away when u just managed to come into contact. and sometimes when i jus hold her,wanting to talk,she just ran away. Mayb she scared de others c or wad. But wads making me confused is tt she was quite playful n gt leaned on me on the 1st nite chat session. Sy even said he felt so hapi 4 me la cos so sweet. Shruggs. Then i just cldnt ctrl. I dunno. I noe i acted lik a jerk. She did so much 4 me. She shopped n cooked 4 me. It was q a chore n took q long, b4 she even prepared her own meal. Yea, I'm really gan dong, gan xie n gan ji. The 2nd day i wanted to cook myself so badly cos i thot i din deserve her cooking n neither did i want to be her burden tt stop her fr enjoying the bbq. But the whole time i reali got no feel. Lik no sweetness of love. I wonder why also.
Tts abt all i felt in chalet ba. I noe its ironic, but s much as i chose my own actions, i really feel very bad n guilty over wad i did. I noe i really dont deserve her. Wad Sy n others praised abt her is fully true. Shes really a true catch tts so rare now. But i gave her much less in comparison, sth she dun deserve. Mayb i cant give her hapiness. I dont have it here. But i like her, serious. Can someone teach me how to love her? How am i just supposed to do it?
I was quite connected and touched by tang xin 2day. Besides all the crying in de main family, I learnt sth very impt. From alfred and chang zai xin. They just dun communicate enough. And its really an impt thing man. Alfred so much wanted to ask for forgiveness but he din. And Chang zai xin actly so much wanted to said that she alrd forgave him. N she din say too. So they just remained lik this, unsolved. Lik i told her, we must learn fr this lesson. Cos if only both parties had said what they felt, everything wld be diff n much finer.
I know this will end up as a rhetorical question, but can somebody just tell me what to do??!?! I'm sorry for saying so many sorries. But i'm really very lost....as always
*anw i'm sometimes puzzled what she does online. Lik always tak q a while to reply but still always say lik not bz. i dunno, v confused
righthere at11:53 PM
Wow its been really a long time since i last blogged. And ironically i've been saying tt q a few times alrd i tink. Actly I sort of wanted to blog the past few days abt stuff lik the dilemmas i face in life now, but i was too lazy (I din even turn on the com). Anw,I'm blogging from lix's hse.
And this is super mao dun man. I just sent a silly girl to slp. She refused to say "bye" cos she din want to hang up. And was insisting that i hang up w/o her saying bye. I eventually did, relunctantly and thats the 1st time i had done that. And lix fell aslp while waitin for me to hang up. So now both of them shld have drifted into dream land, while i'm left all alone here tormented by gastric. Tt silly girl must have hated me. While i dunno how this is enjoyin my last moments with lix b4 he leaves.
Anw, the issue of dilemmas....I dunno actly. Been facing them in all parts of my life. But sometimes is not between choosing what u want eventually, n thus is not caused by our wants of the best of both worlds. cos in some cases, the end result will be the same. a simple eg would be if i 1 2 go overseas, then i nid (argh sux, i suddenly dun have the feel to type) to chu li my gan qing. Shld i go out more wif the silly girl cos nxt time no chance le;or shld i go less cos i shld let both of us slowly get used to seeing less of the other. u noe wad i mean? its jus super shitty to make this kinda choice la. N it jus occurs that i cant decide n end up dragging.
righthere at1:15 AM
I'm going crazy already. My relationship is in the rocks. 1 of the most serious times (actually the few times all about the same severity). But its certainly the most long-lasting times.
She just doesnt want to say anything. She herself sensed trouble already. And I'm quite sure she knows what's happening. At least she shouls have the clue ba. Because I think I should be feeling quite fine now. But she just says she dont know anything. And she doesnt want to talk. Super downing right. 1, 2-lines messages in exchange for your 1 full message. Apparently she is feeling down, and moody. And as Ly suggested reasons which are equally demoralising. She said till like nothing's the problem with sh not talking. Maybe Ly is genuinely trying to suggest causes.
I'm not complaining la. I'm just trying to say what I feel out. If not I'll explode. But I cant really type a full account. Because I'm quite stressed up by the 3 interviews coming up. And those are actually probably the reasons behind everything. I neglected her because of the applications.
Ly said I just probably can only continue to try to make sh talk. Yea, that's about the only way till I get to go out with her. But that's seriously a tough job. Yesterday's phone call was the most silent ever. You dont know how bad I felt after the call. It's worse than before the call. And I'm very scared. She'll probably just continue to say there's nothing and she's ok. But 1 thing I know, if I just "believe" her and act like nothing is wrong, soon its "bye bye" (to say it in her style) already. It's really that gloomy for me. I dont want to lose her. I really dont.
righthere at8:09 PM